Still wondering what I want to be when I grow up...

I started this post in March but never finished.:

March 4, 2009:

I'm 38 and I have a great job that allows me to use almost all the skills and experience I've gained through all my previous careers working towards making (this part of) the world a better place.

My wife just got a promotion.

We have a great house in a great neighborhood in a good school district where my 4-year-old (who is amazing) will start kindergarten in the fall of '10.

That's the good news. Prime of life, gainfully employed doing meaningful work, future looks bright...

...except that my wife's promotion came without a raise because she works in the newspaper industry -- an industry that was struggling before the economy started to tank. I'm not one of those people who think newspapers are going to disappear anytime soon, but still, it's far from stable and further layoffs (they've already had some) and/or furloughs wouldn't be shocking.

...and my job is at a non-profit -- a designation that has an extra special connotation these days. Similar organizations in this region have closed offices, rolled back salaries or just shut down. So far, all we've done is freeze salaries (which, of course, is actually a pay cut when you factor inflation and rising health insurance rates), but more drastic action could happen soon.

...which leads me to the house. We didn't do a crazy more-than-you-can-afford home purchase and we were smart (lucky) enough to buy in an area that wasn't as artificially inflated as other areas, but we probably bought something right at the very top of our range. Of course a few years ago that wouldn't have mattered. In fact, the other two homes we've owned were essentially the same, except that we got in low and sold high -- right now if we had to sell, even if we could find a buyer, we'd be doing really good to break even.

So, back to the point... Where will I be a year from now? Two years?

Two years ago I was living in this house, unemployed and looking for a job with not much success. Two years from now... who knows.

So, now it's July. I've been fired from a job I was really good at by people who didn't understand the scope of work I was doing and can't see how things are falling through the cracks since i left.

I'm unemployed again, with vastly fewer prospects than last time. Had some freelance work when I stopped working, but that's dried up.

The wife's job was on the receiving end of two furloughs.

I started a publication that's gotten readership well beyond my expectations for one-month in, but eats time and makes no money.

Really need to vent some energy/aggression somewhere, but I'm having a hard time motivating myself to get out of the house and exercise.

I told Evan (he's 4.5) that I'm working at home now and he started crying. I asked him why he was crying and he said that he wanted me to work at "work." I know he wasn't crying for the reason he might be if he was old enough to really understand the situation, but it killed me to see his reaction nonetheless.

I think I need to buy some lottery tickets -- not with any expectations of winning, but I think I've realized that sometimes you just need a little hope.

Gloomy enough for you?

(don't worry -- down days and up days and this is a down day)